You Don't Need Approval - 5 Ways to Trust Yourself

Last week I was talking to my business bestie and the challenge of asserting her desires and preferences with a potential client came up. She wanted to specify one of the contract terms and was considering how to broach the subject. We brainstormed possible approaches, and she practiced a couple responses, but it didn't feel right.

The ask was a bit of nuance that mattered to her, one that would not have greatly impacted the work or the client, but in explaining it, she used phrases like "would it be okay if," and "I was thinking that," and I realized - OMG we're doing it again! Just the week prior, I had been using the same language of "maybe I could", and "I was hoping that" when I was communicating what support I wanted to offer.

We are founders. We are CEOs. We have created businesses through experience, grit, commitment, and determination and yet we were still seeking approval to lead in the way that we wanted.

This post is not about the benefits of accountability partners or about how we say what we want to say, it's about giving ourselves permission. As women, we have to constantly remind ourselves not to feed into the rules and limiting programming we've been given.

We do NOT need to ask for permission - for our feelings and preferences,

We do NOT need to apologize - for speaking, interrupting, or making a point, and

We do NOT need to play dumb - to hide our talents, to please others, or to play small.

Once I noticed the language choices, we reset our focus. Here's the advice that I shared plus four more ways to stop asking for permission:

1. Don't ask him like a woman, tell him like a man.

To be clear this is not a suggestion to add bass to your voice. Rather this is telling you to ground yourself, to be 10 toes down when you say what you want to say. Know that you know what you know. It's communicating that "This is what we will do" or "I expect a separate contract for this", "Here are my terms". Do not ask them; tell them instead.

2. Trust yourself.

If you don't like raspberries - because of the seeds - no one can convince you otherwise. You know what you want. When you stand in and own that, it means that you trust yourself. You trust that what you wish to do is the right thing. If the project could benefit from implementation, but you don't like implementation, you do not need to do implementation. It's as simple as that.

3. Come to your own conclusion.

Whether you can or cannot has to come from you. What you desire has to come from you. Once you've investigated your concerns and considerations, you will not need the validation from anyone else on what you like or don't like, what you will or wont do. Ask yourself: Can I do this? Do I want to do this? Do I have enough? If not, can I get what I need? If the answer is yes, the answer is Yes. Do not be swayed.

4. MAKE the opportunity.

Be prepared. If you trust yourself, and you've come to the conclusion that what you want is what you want, then step towards that unabashedly. Sometimes that looks like raising your hand, stepping to the front of the line, figuring out the forms and paperwork and just telling them where to sign. I believe the universe conspires in our favor and that means the opportunity will come. When you decide what it is you're ready to do, go and do it. Position yourself to take full advantage.

5. Accept the compliment.

When you undoubtedly do the thing - you host the summit, you lead the class, you facilitate the panel, you complete the project, you get the funding, etc. - you will receive praise for your accomplishments. For how you showed up, for your gall, for your professionalism, for your example to others following in your footsteps. DO NOT throw that away. DO NOT dismiss it. ACCEPT the compliment. And then, offer yourself another compliment because you did the work and you should celebrate that.

In the end, we revised the language to communicate the contract term, and she left feeling prepared for her meeting. Her terms are now in place, not because she needed permission but rather because she gave it, to herself. You know what you want. Lead with confidence and go get it.